The Devil On My Back

When I was in high school, I attended a ski trip during the winter months with my church youth group. While I didn't accept Christ until I was an 18 year old at the beach after prom, much of my childhood and adolescence was built around curiosity and a desire to know Jesus. On this particular trip, I felt the call to surrender strongly, and found myself in tears during most of the worship songs. My heart was just hard enough to limit my mind to curiosity during that week, but one particularly moving night, I was sitting in the hotel room with my bunk mates and I felt I was ready to talk. Immediately, the fire alarm blared down the hallways. Confused, we all got up and headed to the hallway. We evacuated, and after it was deemed safe, we returned to our rooms. Soon after, the alarm blared again, and we wandered into the hallway with new concern. Evacuation, checking for fires and back to bed again. Our nerves were frayed, and in our room we were mostly talking about the alarms, and I was easily distracted from my earlier focus on asking questions about Jesus. Finally, another blare of the fire alarm and we all headed out into the hallways, panicked. I have a vivid memory of walking down the hallway, nervous system on high alert when a face caught my attention. It was peering through a cracked door, and the face was so full of malice and evil that I began to sob. Recently, when watching the movie Smile, I recognized that same demented facial expression that had sent chills down my spine so many years ago. I knew in my soul that I was face to face with a demon, and I was terrified.

The enemy is exceptionally good at distracting us at just the right moment, as we walk on the edge of discovery or breakthrough. He knows that distraction is a subtle and more effective way to distract us from our relationship with God and shake our confidence in the victory we already claim. When I was a newly single mom, I had no choice but to surrender to my Father financially, mentally, spiritually and physically. It was a season in my life when I felt I was walking in step with Him, and I had joy even through some of my toughest trials. During this time, Satan used many tactics to distract me, focusing first on finances, then moving on to provoke episodes of severe OCD. He has always been good at distracting me from my calling and purpose by diverting my confidence based on the physical look of my body. As a woman, our confidence in our bodies is so fragile, and we often use the world's standards of beauty to validate ourselves with bodies that are temporary at best. During this newly single season, I felt attacked constantly. I would hear a noise in my car and immediately panic over the cost of potential breakdowns. I was so obsessed with the thought of my car having problems that I googled the noises I heard daily, and at one point had my Dad take my car into the dealership, where they, of course, told me that it was in perfect working condition. This is the subtle attack from someone who will try his hardest to pull your focus from your relationship with a loving God to worrying about minute details of your life. He loves to see the panic we feel as we worry about our finances when our HVAC system breaks down, a car won't start, or we have an unexpected expense. Even more subtly, the enemy will distract us with our own fears. Throughout my life, I have had difficulty managing my OCD when it comes to cleanliness, and in particular, pests such as roaches. When I was blessed to move into my first house after my divorce, roaches were coming out of the woodwork. I would walk down the street at night and roaches would pour out of the sewer drains. Now, this was Houston and roaches were common, but the timing always seems intentional as I would have a day full of joy and hope, to come home to roaches perched on my walls, ready to fly into my face.

Recently, I've been waiting hopefully for a new promise and a major life change. I have lived at my current house for almost four years, and never have seen an insect inside as my husband frequently sprays and treats our house. What have I found in the past few weeks? Hoards of ants. In the bathroom, in the shower, on my neck. Not just any ants, but red ants. I'll finish reading my Bible, get ready to take a shower and start the day, and there will be ants climbing up the walls of the shower. Don't even get me started on how badly I want to google termites, take a sample of the bug and make a comparison so I can freak out. Yesterday my car made a noise and I was convinced for about five minutes that my transmission was about to drop (thanks OCD). The difference during this season? I laugh. Nice try Satan. I have already claimed victory. I am chosen. You can't have me, and I am going to strive my whole life to build God's kingdom no matter how many bugs or car issues you throw in my way.

When I met my husband, I knew that he was more than a companion, but that he and I would work together to heal others and lead them to Christ. He is my best friend, my confidante, and my greatest love on this Earth, so of course Satan will try to attack there as well- the two of us can impact the world much more than I ever could by myself. So what can I do to assure that we are united? First, I can approach every communication knowing that he loves me and his intentions are good. Did what he said hurt my feelings? Maybe. Do I believe that he purposefully tried to upset me? Absolutely not. Is this more about me and my feelings that it is about what he said? Probably. Is Satan using my insecurities to pit me against my teammate in this world? 10000%. So I let it roll off my back or ask for clarification. I stay calm and I rest in the knowledge that my husband loves me dearly. Secondly, I prioritize intimacy, both emotional and physical. There is nothing more divisive than disconnection, and I refuse to feel disconnected from my husband. Love and intimacy are choices, and I choose every single day to infuse connection into our conversations and provide as many opportunities for intimacy as possible. I learned his love languages, and even though they are not the same as mine, I show him I love him in ways that he appreciates. I am not a phone talker, but my husband loves quality time, and when he travels, talking on the phone is the most rational way to stay connected so we talk at various routine times during the day. I call him each morning on my way to work, after school on my way home, and at least once that night before bed. Protect your marriage, THE MOST important relationship you have outside of your relationship with God, and see the nitpicking for what is it...Satan attempting to distract you from your purpose and splitting a team that could surely make a noticeable impact on the world.

We will always be tempted to doubt and worry, but the more time we spend with God, the more we see His goodness no matter the circumstance. When worries pop up, I am tempted to eat my feelings or call and vent to someone. Instead, let those moments of worry bring you closer to your Father who loves you, knows your every need and every desire, and can't wait to spend time with you, assuring you of your safety and provision. I've put myself in some sticky situations in my life, and God HAS NEVER ONCE FAILED ME. He has saved me over and over and over, and His love and grace cover me! Surrender to His goodness, let go, and feel the freedom of living huddled up under His wings. You might even laugh next time you see a roach in your kitchen.