Marriage as Redemption

Today is my forth wedding anniversary with my incredible husband Travis. When I read the card he left for me this morning, I was overwhelmed with gratitude as I reflected on his words. I can still vividly remember the days of single motherhood following my divorce. When my divorce was first finalized, I remember the well wishers telling me "oh, you'll find someone," and thinking..."I don't want to find someone. I may never trust anyone else again." I had grown up with a history of sexual abuse that evolved into more than one instance of assault in my young adulthood. My ex husband and I met at a party, and even though we were both young, I felt drawn to him because he was funny and approachable. He didn't set off my normal alarms of hypervigilance (although he should have). As we dated, I misinterpreted his possessive behavior and violent history of drunken bar fights as protection. I had, in fact, never felt like anyone wanted to or had attempted to protect me throughout my life, so I took this as a sign that we were meant to be. I was fiercely independent, and even though we immediately had issues in our relationship and marriage stemming from polarized values and expectations, I was able to see it for what it was- the safest I had felt so far in my life. It may have been chaotic and stressful, but for the most part I knew that no one was going to break into my house with him there. When I got pregnant, I started to see the cracks in our relationship. I wondered why I was moving furniture during the first trimester after suffering a prior miscarriage. I wondered why there was a revolving door of friends and relatives that needed to stay with us because we were more stable than they were. I saw the alcohol and drug use. I felt the betrayal of infidelity. After my beautiful son was born, the cracks became gaping holes. I filed for divorce when my son was eight months old.

After my divorce was finalized, almost a year later, I attempted to date. Ladies, if you are in a season of waiting for your spouse, and you are actively dating, God bless you. It is absolute CHAOS out there. I went on dates with men convinced that the government should raise our children because "they were getting oversexualized by women wearing high heels in the grocery store" and men who said things like "those are the kind of women who deserve to be raped." And yes, I immediately got up from that particular date and backwards walked out the front door of the restaurant. About three months into this madness, I called it quits. I was overwhelmed by the exhaustion of working, taking care of a toddler, and trying to balance the cyclical demands of dating (after one conversation or message, or even a date, knowing that it was not a match, explaining myself, taking the verbal beating for rejecting someone, then starting over). I prayerfully decided that I would focus my attention on raising my sweet boy.

There were times I would cry because I wished I could share the difficult and joyous times with someone who loved us both, and there were times I was so exhausted, physically and mentally, that I could not function. There were struggles with my son's biological Dad that included heartbreaking interventions with professionals, and financial uncertainty that made me break out in stress hives. This morning as I was reading in Exodus, I recognized this difficult past time period as my wilderness. I was absolutely dependent on God during this time because there was no human way to take care of everything I needed to. When I struggled financially, the only way to reduce the stress was to acknowledge that I needed provision, and attempt to be generous with others, knowing that God would always sustain me (and He did!). There's a certain joy in knowing that your bank account is lacking, laughing while crying, helping someone else and then watching God provide for you in miraculous ways. I lived tearfully in this wilderness for twelve years while I raised my son and worked as a teacher full time.

When my son was in 7th grade, I noticed that he prioritized his privacy, spent more time in his room and with his friends, and I began to wonder...is it time to try dating one more time? I remember being so torn about making myself vulnerable again. One of my biggest fears was that I was invite someone into our home that could potentially hurt my son. As a survivor, that hypervigilance makes it incredibly hard to date with children. Every behavior, word or action is hyper-analyzed as a threat to you or your child, and no matter the intentions, it is incredibly easy to cut someone off when you feel so fiercely protective of your babies. I remember signing up for Match.com and asking my son if he would be okay with me trying to date. His response? "It's about time."

I signed up on Match.com in December of 2021 and knew it was probably going to be a doozy. I armed myself with prayer, hyped myself up with some Hallmark Christmas movies, and sent a few likes. I exchanged messages with a few people, and went on a couple of dates, but my experience in round two was eerily similar to round 1 so many years ago. In January, I remember reading my Bible more, buying books to prepare myself for dating with integrity, and building my emotional resilience and honesty (survivors are natural people pleasers and have a very hard time with conflict and boundaries). The wilderness was again bringing me even closer to God. After an especially frustrating experience with an online suitor, I was about to claim permanent spinster status, delete the app, and buy about 20 cats. The Holy Spirit nudged me to hold off, calm down, and pray. I took a break from online dating and came back at the beginning of March, timid but hopeful that round 3 might be even a little more fruitful. I knew that the dating market I was searching (Houston, TX) was not working out, so I laughed a little and playfully put the distance as far as the limit would reach. I pressed search and there was this face looking back at me. This handsome, kind, hot face that was all the way in Arkansas (ten hours away). I clicked on his profile. He had a lot of kids. He was kind. I was flustered. I was too nervous to message him, but I sent him a like and closed the app. I know that God was smiling when he saw my flustered reaction. Turns out, that was my husband, smiling at me from my phone. From the first moment we messaged, to our first phone call, to the first time we met I had no doubt that this was the man I was going to marry. Before our first date, he sent me white roses (my favorite) to school. He later explained that he had spent some time on the phone with the florist, making sure she put white roses, but also colorful flowers to match my likes and my personality. I know, swoon.

I took twelve years to meet my husband, and I would wait one thousand more if it meant I got to be married to him. He has not only become my very best friend, but has also healed parts of my heart that I thought trauma had stolen forever. When he met Edwin, our son, the kindness and love he showed us both, not to mention the patience, took away any fears I had and confirmed that God had not only blessed me with a husband, but my son with a Dad.

My husband has been a tangible sign of God moving powerfully in my life and restoring what was lost. Travis has shown me true, healthy love, and through him I have experienced the goodness of God in so many ways. When we first got married, I noticed his presence made me sleepy and I thought maybe my body was finally able to rest from all of the struggling...but it was more than physical exhaustion. My body and mind finally felt safe enough to rest. Health issues stemming from my trauma have resolved or improved, financial stress is reduced, and my loneliness and isolation are replaced with the joy of companionship that I never get tired of (seriously, I would live inside this man's shirt if he would let me).

If you are reading this and find yourself in the wilderness, please know that God has a blessing for you that will blow you away. I could not dream my husband up even if I wanted to. He's exactly what I wanted in a partner, and more importantly, God knew that he was exactly what I needed. The time in the wilderness is not wasted, and in fact, will bring you closer to the Father in the most meaningful ways. Read, praise, pray and learn about yourself and prepare yourself to receive the blessing that your heart yearns for. He is a good, good Father. On my anniversary, and every day, I am overjoyed by God's provision and His love for me that he provided me with my husband. Sister, He sees you, He knows the desires of your heart, and He's planning something miraculous.

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again- my Savior and my God! -Psalm 43:5