As a child I had many dreams ranging from becoming a waitress and living in a van down by the river (yes, before Chris Farley made it seems so appealing) to marine biologist, to gypsy. When you look at pictures of me when I was younger, you can still the vibrance shining in my eyes and the confidence overflowing. Just like over one fourth of females in the United States, I would become a survivor of immense sexual abuse and later in life a victim of sexual assault. If you have similar experiences, you know that the shattering that takes place is so severe, that even the smallest action or effort feels hopeless. I was twenty three years old before I disclosed my abuse to anyone outside of my college boyfriend, and the years I spent captive to silence and shame shaped my attachment styles, coping methods, and ability to trust and build relationships. I have one specific memory in middle school of coming home from school, filled with sorrow and anger, and throwing myself against my denim bedspread, sobbing. I laid at the foot of my bed for more than an hour, begging God to help me feel alive again. At the end of my Senior year, I fully understood the depth of my Father's love, the sacrifice of His son, and chose to accept His love and grace and be transformed. The transformation of my mind and soul moved fairly quickly, while the transforming of my body, and the corresponding physical reactions to perceived threats, amygdala hijacks and implicit memories still threatened my ability to thrive in my new identity.
Reclaiming Your Identity
Claim it here. You are a SURVIVOR. A DAUGHTER OF THE KING. A CHAIN BREAKER. A DISRUPTOR. A WARRIOR. Every sorrow and wound has been healed by a loving Father that yearns to redeem you, pursuing you recklessly and constantly. Turn around, fall into His embrace and heal. The process is rigorous, it is difficult, and it is not linear, but with His help you will be restored and redeemed. The day you were conceived, He wove you together with His own hands, and those same hands still wait anxiously to embrace you now. Come in your brokenness, surrender to His love, and take comfort in His promises.
Honoring Your Past
The shame of others does not belong to you. You are not required to shrink, minimize or deny your suffering for the comfort of others. You are not required to keep the peace with those who abuse or neglect, or provide access to unsafe individuals, no matter if they are related to you or important to someone you care about. The first step in honoring your past is removing yourself from it's captivity. Walk away from those who hurt you, or minimize or expect you to move past it for the benefit and comfort of others. Find a community of warriors and survivors that will support you in processing and healing, NO MATTER HOW UNCOMFORTABLE IT MAY GET. You are encouraged to lament, grieve and process the anger of how you were treated in an effort to shake the dust from your sandals and leave it all behind you as you heal. Unraveling the affects of your mistreatment will not be linear, and you may find additional sorrow, and I hope that you honor that brokenness and sadness and learn to surrender it all to the God who loves you so completely that He has numbered every hair on your head. He has amazing plans for you, to restore you, to redeem you, and to use your story for His glory. Take the leap, find the courage to risk the loss of unhealthy relationships and toxic environments, and claim your true identity as a daughter or son of the King.