Expectations in Socialization

Most parents and those who work with children and families will agree that socialization is a top priority in child guidance. For the most part, we as a society universally agree that socialization should include basic human behaviors and standards regarding violence, kindness and courtesy. As children grow and join communities such as school, Mother's Day out or spend time with extended family, socialization goals are set as parents and guardians determine which specific qualities they wish to instill in their children. These expectations are shaped by belief systems, cultural values, and societal attitudes and behavior over time. Culturally speaking, parents determine if they wish for their children to honor the culture of individualism, collectivism or a combination of both systems as they are socialized.

Many of us look down at the miracle of life being handed to us, and we have a fierce instinct to protect and nurture. As children grow older, we begin to consider how they will fit into, and be productive members of society, and we focus on socialization goals that fit within our own family traditions, cultures, or belief systems. Religion and cultural heritage both play a large role in the creation of socialization goals, but goals remain dynamic and may still change over time. Researchers have found that parents focus on four main areas, and they differ in the priority given to self maximization, achievement, proper demeanor, and connectedness (Lai et al, 2025). Self maximization includes a sense of agency and a focus on child appropriate positive traits such as leadership. Achievement includes all areas of intellectual development and may be most recognizable as attitudes and expectations about academics and education. Proper demeanor refers to the behavioral standards we set and include courtesy, manners, and etiquette. Finally, connectedness refers to the ability to create and maintain positive and harmonious relationships with others. In studying the creation of socialization goals, researchers found that mothers and fathers typically prioritize either individualistic qualities of self maximization, as most fathers do, or attributes that align with collectivism, such as proper demeanor and connectedness, seen more in the expectations of mothers. Mothers tended to focus on self regulation, pro-social behavior, school readiness, and academic achievement in childhood and adolescence.

One other interesting element of socialization goals is the effect of socioeconomic status and cultural background. Researchers found that the higher the level of parental education, the more parents prioritized self direction and connectedness alongside achievement. Ultimately, they found that the level of parent education plays a larger role in the creation of socialization goals than the occupational class of the parents or family. Socialization goals are also affected by the gender of both the parent and the child. Mothers tend to prioritize honesty while fathers hold more rigid gender stereotypes and promote conformity to traditional gender roles (Lai et al, 2025).

So what do we do with this information, and how can we use it to improve child guidance? First, we must understand that this information applies to anyone who works with or cares for children, and when this knowledge is applied with fidelity, can help us manage behavior and communicate with parents and families. For example, teachers should be aware of the factors involved in prioritizing behavior standards and creating socialization goals for the children in their classrooms. For example, students are not impacted as much by the socioeconomic status of their family, but more so by the education level of their parents and the focus they put on academic achievement. A child who lives in an affluent neighborhood with parents who have a high school diploma will have similar socialization goals to a student living in poverty with parents of the same educational level. On the flip side, a child living in an affluent neighborhood with parents with advanced education will relate socially in a similar way as students living in poverty if their parents have advanced educational backgrounds. Families who have immigrated to the United States may also experience stronger cultural impacts to socialization goals if the children are the first generation born in the United States. Some countries tend to be more individualistic and similar to the United States, while some countries hold a more collective world view. The United States values family and independence, a stark contrast from a collective society where family and community is prioritized.

I've experienced the impact of cultural and parental expectations that directly oppose those we require in the public school system. When I taught eighth grade, I had a student who refused to complete his assignment and was, at the time, failing my course. Speaking with his mother on the phone had proved to be a less than ideal communication method, so I requested a parent teacher conference and we met one afternoon with a translator to ensure smooth communication. I explained to his mother that he was failing the course because he refused to participate in our Infant Development assignment, where students are required to care for a mechanical baby doll as a major assessment. I explained that he did not want to participate, and when given an alternative assignment, refused it as well. I watched in shock as his mother turned to him and said "do you want to do those assignments?" to which he answered with a simple "no." She turned back to me, saying "he's not going to do it." I explained once again that he would fail my course and potentially be held back for lack of credit. She was adamant that we honor his wishes, and he returned to class, sat down and never completed that major grade assessment. Later, when speaking with one of our campus specialists, she explained that because he was living with a single mother, he was considered the man of the house, and his decisions were accepted as final, even if she disagreed. My personal values did not align with his or his mothers, but they were also no less valid. In his community and in his family, the priorities were focused on sports, extending the family, and collectively providing for the family. In his mind, my course, an elective, did not help him accomplish those goals. What good would it do to begin a power struggle with him when I could instead tailor the instruction in my class to include professional skills he would need and may hold more interest to him? I can spend my school year fighting against the family system he lives in, or I can pivot and adjust to give him the best education I can within the bounds of his values.

Parents should also be aware of the underlying factors in child guidance when it comes to socialization, and be prepared to have candid and honest conversations about how their personal values, beliefs, and culture impact the goals they make for their children as co-parents. If parents have misaligned goals for their children, the potential for conflict arises that may require ongoing negotiation and compromise, causing confusion for the child. For example, if the mother is pressuring her child to take a course on public speaking because she values leadership as part of achievement, but his father tells him how he'll never use the skills and how he should focus instead on medical courses, there is a conflict that pits the parents against each other and puts the child in the center. Parents must also be aware of how their personal socialization goals differ from those in traditional settings such as public school, and be prepared and willing to speak candidly with their children about how the environments differ and how to navigate those changes. Children thrive on structure and routine, and providing guidance along with detailed explanation can help them feel more secure in every environment. If you, as a parent, do not value education, but highly value proper demeanor, the conversation should be had about the high standards of behavior while in the classroom, even if the standards for grades are reduced. Creating transparency around socialization goals as co-parents and providing this information to everyone who will care for or nurture their child will create a village that approaches every obstacle with understanding and tolerance.

As a mom, I am adamant with my son that he treat every individual he comes into contact with kindness and compassion. Even in his younger years, he was not a fan of reading or school, but remains a model of behavior while he's on campus because we, as a family, prioritize collective respect and community. As he's gotten older, I talk to him often about his plans after high school, and he has shared his uncertainty with moving on to college, and although I highly value education myself and just completed my Master's degree, I understand his hesitancy and accept that he sees his future differently than I might.

If you find yourself in a conflict with your own children or children you work with, take a deep breath, drop your shoulders and commit to an honest and transparent conversation about socialization goals. We are so much stronger when we adapt our expectations, build cohesive goals, and work as a community than we will ever be as we push through power struggles. Children are uniquely individual, dynamic, and often strong willed, but we should always acknowledge that God has a specific purpose for them that includes every tiny detail of their personality, including their socialization.

Lai, K., Swirlbul, M., Caberera, N., Libertus, M., and Tamis-Lemonada, C. (2025). Fathers' and Mothers' Socialization Goals for Their Children: Similarities, Differences, and Couple Agreement. Parenting 2025, v25(4), 427-448. doi.org/10.1080/15295192.2024.2437155