Chasing Safety

As children, we assume that we are safe within our families, protected in our homes. Unfortunately for many children, in the US and globally, this is not the case as over one in four children will experience abuse or maltreatment by the time they turn 18. For those of us who grew up with the burden of adverse experiences, and the adaptive survival skills that accompanied them, feeling safe was like chasing a shadow. Through most of my childhood, I felt the need to insulate myself and find safety- but how do you accomplish this when your home or the homes of your loved ones are the most dangerous settings?

I remember spending most of my time as a child feeling suspended in fear, frozen and waiting for the next terrifying event. Most nights I experienced traumatizing nightmares about demons, devils, or someone walking down the hall to the bathroom coming to hurt me. I was so scared of the toilet flushing that I would quickly pound down the handle and then run as fast as I could out of the bathroom. I was scared of sharks in the swimming pool, snakes under my bed, and spiders crawling into my clothes when I slept. While childhood fear is normal, the support of loving parents who soothe those fears is pivotal in growing into children and adults that feel safe. When a child lives daily in an unsafe environment, their nervous system becomes stuck in a state of hypervigilance that can greatly impact typical daily circumstances such as attending school, making friends or forming relationships. Part of this survival mode includes the desire to limit future threats, and whether the strategy employed includes extreme isolation, people pleasing or disordered eating and sleeping, the feeling of safety remains just out of reach.

In middle school, I was scared of dating, scared of being touched, and scared of my first kiss. I remember a boy in my youth group asking me out, and thinking, ok he seems safe. One day, he made a comment about making out, and my whole body shut down. I broke up with him and decided it was safer to be alone. In college, I searched for friends or companions that would act as protectors, and each time I put my trust in someone, I found myself hurting again. I remember going to a party in high school when some adult men showed up. My gut was screaming run, but my friends were having fun, and I wanted desperately to be a normal teenager, so I stayed. At one point, a grown man began hitting on me and asking me to follow him into another room. Now this guy had a full on beard with grey in it, so why was he at a high school party? Whatever the reason was, it was creepy. When I declined and began to walk away, he chased me. At one point he was able to overpower me and knock me down, and my friends came in and pulled me away. This adult man literally chased us out into the street and ran after the car. To say my experience with feeling safe was dysfunctional is a massive understatement.

When I graduated from college, I met a guy at a party from upstate New York that seemed kind. We began to date, and I remember how safe I felt when he would get into physical altercations if someone stepped in my way or insulted me. It was probably the first time I had truly felt physically protected, so without much though to the rest of my relational standards, I married him after six months. The most important lesson I learned after that marriage and subsequent divorce was that safety was not just physical, but emotional. I might have been physically safe by the minimum standards (I had avoided violence and physical abuse), but in no way was I emotionally safe. During the marriage, when my son was born, I took one look at his gorgeous face and I knew that I would fiercely protect him. In some ways, having a child brought new feelings of sadness as I grieved my own childhood and the lack of protection I felt.

When I look back at these difficult years, and some of the crazy and chaotic choices I made when I was in distress, I know that God must have sent dozens of angels to protect me. I had spent quite some time angry with God for allowing my childhood abuse to occur, and angry at myself for continuing the cycle in my failed marriage. It has taken me years to acknowledge that I looked in all of the wrong places for safety and rest. My body and the stress trapped in my muscles is the first clue that I have lived in survival mode, sleeping with one eye open for far too long. As I begin somatic release of the trapped trauma in my body, I find that I have to constantly remind myself that I am, in fact, safe. I have a loving husband who loves and protects me fiercely. I feel so safe with him that in the initial stages of our marriage, I felt ridiculously sleepy as my body began to soften. When he comes home from traveling, the mere act of sitting next to him makes my heart beat slower and my breaths deeper. I thank God everyday for the tremendous gift he is in my life.

This morning I was doing my devotional when I read II Samuel 22:20- He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because He delights in me. It hit me immediately- He LED ME to a place of safety. How much of my life had I been too angry to follow Him and instead tried desperately to find my own version of safety? How much of my life had I dismissed a protective love that is perfect and full of grace, and put my trust into human relationships and safety practices? All of the years I lifted weights to be too strong to abuse, tried desperately to lose weight and become too small to notice, all of the years I hid from relationships because I thought that maybe isolation was safer than community...all of the years of people pleasing to appease those around me in an attempt to stay safe, or the striving for perfection because if I seemed to be of value, maybe I wouldn't continue to be abused. I was chasing safety and getting absolutely no where, and in some cases, experiencing more hurt and heartbreak. I began to catalog all of the blessings in my life and realized that each and every safe place I have here on this earth was provided when I was walking in step with God. If I had let him lead me, I would have found safety in His goodness and rest in His protection. Instead I fought it and opposed a relationship with my Father because of my anger until He rescued me out of the absolute darkness. And not only did He rescue me when I was desperate and hurting, but He saved me because He delights in me! Here I am, shrinking myself and appeasing those around me to try to get anyone to love me enough to protect me, while God is waiting patiently for me to turn around and ask for everything I need. Your Father knows every tiny detail about you, from every tear you shed to every ache of your heart. He is waiting for you to acknowledge that his ways are better and surrender to His plans for your life. He yearns to bring you into safety and give you rest. Claim the truth of II Samuel 22:3 over your life:

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.
He is my refuge, my savior,the one who saves me from violence.

He is your place of safety, your refuge. Rest in that knowledge and free yourself from chasing safety in human or earthly form. He delights in you just as you are, and can't wait for you to turn around and accept the gift of His grace and protection. If you rely on the people or things of this world to make you feel safe, you'll constantly be chasing the next person or strategy, keeping yourself vulnerable to danger. I have been wildly rebellious in my youth, but now as an adult, I picture myself like a child, peering around the legs of their parent, clinging tightly to their hand. Now that I have experienced true safety and provision, and had the experience of resting in that knowledge, I would never go back to the fruitless chase of my youth. There is no one stronger, more fierce, more protective, full of grace, or loving than my Father, and all I have to do is surrender and walk in step with Him.